David Wolfe Found Guilty of Molesting an Unripe Avacado

Alternative lifestyle guru David Wolfe has taken his love for super-foods too far after a court hearing has today found him guilty of molesting an unripe Avocado.

The court heard evidence from several witnesses. One claiming “Mr Wolfe entered a Whole Foods then proceeded to de-seed the unripened fruit with his genitals, I’ve never seen such handling of an innocent piece of food in such a disgraceful manner”

The family of a whole foods employee who witnessed the act is seeking reparations from Mr Wolfe after claiming they now suffer from PTSD. Reports claimed the witness is in a psychiatric ward after being found on the floor, with their head in hands whimpering “that’s not how you make guacamole” repeatedly.

When commenting on his crimes Mr. Wolfe simply stated “I was just getting 1 of my 5 a day, I would of gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling vegans.” A Judge sentenced him to 120 hours community service as a Dominos Pizza delivery man and gave him a 50ft restraining order from any green grocers the US. Wolfe also stated “I would never put my dick in an Avocado that’s not organic, I have standards.”

An image below shows the damage Wolfe did to the Avocado. WARNING: image may be considered graphic and distressing.

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Vegan Council declares new £5 'fair game if used for snorting mind-altering substances'

The Vegan Council of Great Britain has today issued a statement, declaring the new £5 note ‘kosha‘, but only when used to snort a pre-approved list of synthetic drugs.

One of the drugs on the ‘whitelist’ is poor quality imported cocaine. This is despite the fact that the production of cocaine kills tens of thousands of people, millions of animals, and also causes extreme environmental damage.

It has been declared a pragmatic and necessary evil, for a number of reasons:

  • Most vegans are too poor to have a note in a higher denomination than £5 after buying a gram.
  • It is seen as imperative in order to carry on the sesh and expand consciousness
  • In the case of the 2c family, consumption is keeping the psytrance scene alive.

Another substance to make the cut is ketamine, even though human usage deprives addicted horses of a much needed fix.

Big Karma is absolutely against this decision, and would like to reaffirm their belief that such drugs should only be snorted through a rolled up leaf, ripped up scratchcard or shitty club flyer.

Below, a sad horse crying due to a lack of readily available wonk. For just £5 a month, you can sponsor a horse’s ketamine supply.  Contact Big Karma to find out more.

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  1. Gateway to using needle based drugs such as Heroin
  2. Proven to make your child become incredibly right-wing when older
  3. Your child is more likely to follow mainstream media as opposed to reliable sources such as Big-Karma and Spirit Science.
  4. Hitler was vaccinated
  5. Buddha was not
  6. As well as Mercury, Vaccinations contains traces of uranium and cryptonite
  7. Vaccinations are making huge profits for evil big pharma companies
  8. Most diseases can be cured by Avacados and Camomile Tea
  9. Despite all the scientific evidence proving vaccines work, it is all false and every scientist is part of a secret conspiracy
  10. Vaccines make you fat



Deepak Chopra sneezes, detaches retina in third eye

New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.

He told journalists in his usual rambling fashion, ‘I was perforating infinity at an atomic level, I was about to enter the quantum leap, fusing together mechanical physics and meditative chi, when the vibrations became too much, causing me to sneeze extremely aggressively’.

He was advised by friends and family to receive hospital treatment, but he says he is going to use quantum healing instead. Big Karma are yet to clarify whether a fabricated theory can solve a fabricated medical condition, but we will keep you posted.


We’ve all heard of Chemtrails, but have you heard of Chootrails?

Chemtrails are a well documented threat that everyone including Obama acknowledges. However, the same dangerous mind-controlling pollutants are being pumped out by the New World Order using other modes of transport far closer to your home.

That’s right – chemtrails also come from everyday steam trains.

The chootrail technology is very expensive, which explains the ludicrously high prices of rail travel in the UK and elsewhere. The Rothschild family are not willing to subsidize the programme, so they pass on the cost to you and me.

One can even make a telling anagram from the phrase ‘The British Rail Timetable’. What do you get? That’s right.. ‘I’m that terrible habit: lies!’ Coincidence I think not.

Look at the image at the top of this article, showing the 7:31 commuter train between Reading and London Paddington. The ‘steam’ rising from the engine is actually far more cloud-like than steam-like. This is because it is a new type of synthetic microbead technology, that is meant to increase global warming, and reduce your IQ.

We asked the UK Secretary of State, The Rt Hon Patrick McLoughlin MP, to comment on the issue. His response was “I don’t give interviews to moronic, stinking hippies.”


Bilderberg Group building 5-star holistic health spa on Planet Nibiru

Big Karma has received a top secret dossier, detailing how the world’s secretive super elite are building an exclusive holiday retreat on Planet X AKA Nibiru.

The $4.7 billion dollar complex, coincidentally located 4.7 billion miles from earth, is only accessible via Richard Branson’s new high-speed space travel programme, ensuring that only the richest and most powerful people on the planet can visit.


Here is an artist’s impression of how the resort could look:

All the resorts’ facilities will have disabled-access and reptilian-access, to ensure that all illuminati members can use the swimming pool, steam rooms and casino, including the biggest illuminati ever, Stephen Hawking.

Creating Reptilian access facilities is particularly tricky, as the majority of guests only have stubby little T-Rex arms. This means they cannot open the sliding doors to their penthouse suite balconies, and need very long cutlery when dining in order to reach their plates.

All the beds will be heated, because as everybody knows, reptilians are cold-blooded, and the restaurant will serve a variety of fresh mice and other marsupials which they can swallow whole.

However, don’t worry! Irish budget airline company RyanAir have confirmed they will be running flights to Nibiru from 2019 for the cut-price cost of £29.99 for a return ticket.

Spirituality & Conspiracy Awareness

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