Hippie spends 6 months and £6,000 travelling the world to find himself; discovers he’s a complete cunt.

A young hippy from South Gloucestershire says he has been left ‘devastated’ after realising he’s a boring, cliche cunt, following an expensive round-the-world trip through countries such as Goa, Mongolia, Peru and Burma.

19 year old Jonty Cockburn told Big Karma the stark understanding hit him whilst he was sat round a drum circle at an organic chickpea farm in New Zealand’s northern island.

The trigger was a sudden awareness that he was in the company of 8 other near-identical looking white, dreadlocked, poncho-wearing, bucket-hat sporting, fire-poi spinning, terribly tattooed idiots.

Cockburn, whose Facebook profile lists his interests as ‘legalisation, hacky-sack [and]… psytrance’, says he is planning to cut his dreadlocks off, throw away his propagator and burn his embarrassing collection of tye-dye t-shirts.

‘I thought I was an individual snowflake, but then I realised that actually, all snow looks the same to the human eye.

I don’t want to sit around anymore talking about how we’re going to change the world with a revolution, only to then consume an entire bag of Cool Original Doritos, watch re-runs of Blackadder, and then fall asleep.

I want to actually do something worthwhile with my life instead.’

Deep stuff, thanks Jonty.

David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe hospitalised after choking on an avocado

Rockstar of superfoods and superhero to the planet David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe has has been hospitalized after choking on an avocado. He is said to be recovering and in a stable condition after the spiritual community banded together to send positive vibes his way.

Wolfe, who was performing tantric breathing exercises whilst quaffing his 19th avacado of the day unexpectedly inhaled the avocado. He immediately made a camomile tea with added turmeric but this usual full proof cure for everything from cancer to athlete’s foot failed to work on this occasion.

Some are rushing to declare this a karmic event, to punish him for eponymously naming himself after a fruit, and for years of spouting “nebulous bollocky drivel” around the mystical qualities of dark organic chocolate and water alchemy. However we at Big Karma totally disagree with this statement and believe in anything and everything he says.

Despite rejecting modern medicine, it is reported that neither Wolfe nor his family took issue with him being rushed straight the closest major hospital facility. It is here where he received a number of modern artificial medicines, all of which ultimately saved his life.

Our thoughts, prayers and good vibes are with the av-cav at this difficult time.

 

Vegan Council declares new £5 ‘fair game if used for snorting mind-altering substances’

The Vegan Council of Great Britain has today issued a statement, declaring the new £5 note ‘kosha‘, but only when used to snort a pre-approved list of synthetic drugs.

One of the drugs on the ‘whitelist’ is poor quality imported cocaine. This is despite the fact that the production of cocaine kills tens of thousands of people, millions of animals, and also causes extreme environmental damage.

It has been declared a pragmatic and necessary evil, for a number of reasons:

  • Most vegans are too poor to have a note in a higher denomination than £5 after buying a gram.
  • It is seen as imperative in order to carry on the sesh and expand consciousness
  • In the case of the 2c family, consumption is keeping the psytrance scene alive.

Another substance to make the cut is ketamine, even though human usage deprives addicted horses of a much needed fix.

Big Karma is absolutely against this decision, and would like to reaffirm their belief that such drugs should only be snorted through a rolled up leaf, ripped up scratchcard or shitty club flyer.

Below, a sad horse crying due to a lack of readily available wonk. For just £5 a month, you can sponsor a horse’s ketamine supply.  Contact Big Karma to find out more.

Image result for sad horse

 

 

 

 

10 REASONS YOU SHOULDN’T GIVE YOUR CHILD VACCINATIONS

 

  1. Gateway to using needle based drugs such as Heroin
  2. Proven to make your child become incredibly right-wing when older
  3. Your child is more likely to follow mainstream media as opposed to reliable sources such as Big-Karma and Spirit Science.
  4. Hitler was vaccinated
  5. Buddha was not
  6. As well as Mercury, Vaccinations contains traces of uranium and cryptonite
  7. Vaccinations are making huge profits for evil big pharma companies
  8. Most diseases can be cured by Avacados and Camomile Tea
  9. Despite all the scientific evidence proving vaccines work, it is all false and every scientist is part of a secret conspiracy
  10. Vaccines make you fat

 

 

Deepak Chopra sneezes, detaches retina in third eye

New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.

He told journalists in his usual rambling fashion, ‘I was perforating infinity at an atomic level, I was about to enter the quantum leap, fusing together mechanical physics and meditative chi, when the vibrations became too much, causing me to sneeze extremely aggressively’.

He was advised by friends and family to receive hospital treatment, but he says he is going to use quantum healing instead. Big Karma are yet to clarify whether a fabricated theory can solve a fabricated medical condition, but we will keep you posted.

 

3 Ways to Keep Your Dreadlocks Spiritually Awesome

As our friends at DreadHeadHQ say –‘Dreads are awesome but, like a pet (that you wear on your head), you really have to commit cause, like a pet, they need lotsa love and time for maintenance when they are new.’

If you don’t treat your dreadlocks in the right way, you won’t properly harness the chakras and positive energies they can contain, and they won’t look as gnarly and crusty as they should.

So follow our 3 step guide to keeping your dreadlocks spiritually healthy, and it will help you attain a higher state of consciousness:

1. Wash your dreads as infrequently as possible

The key to unlocking your dreadlock energy is to wash them as rarely as possible. Allow for build-ups of sweat, grease and mud. In fact, actively seek to make them as utterly filthy as possible.

A way to fast track this process is to take lots of newly invented hallucinogenics from the 2C family at teknivals, and then roll round in the churned up mud in front of the stack.

2. Shake them around in confined spaces

Whatever crowded event you’re attending such as a super chilled Newton Faulkner gig, a jungle night or an outdoor psytrance extravaganza, make sure to shake your dreadlocks around a lot.

Not only will the motion of throwing those locks around improve your spiritual balance, it will also improve the well-being of others in close proximity to you. Bonus points if you manage to land one of your natty lengths in someone else’s mouth.

3. Wear them inside a Jamaican Rastafarian hat

It looks cool, and most importantly, its a proper spiritual thing to do. Don’t trust anyone who wears dreadlocks without one of these, they probably listen to Korn.

It doesn’t matter if you’re white, middle class and have a double-barreled name. Put one of these bad-boys on top of your knots and you’re the real deal. If you can’t find one, an Indian head-dress will do.

If someone accuses you of cultural appropriation, tell them we’re all children of planet earth, and to check their privilege.

 

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