Alternative lifestyle guru David Wolfe has taken his love for super-foods too far after a court hearing has today found him guilty of molesting an unripe Avocado.
The court heard evidence from several witnesses. One claiming “Mr Wolfe entered a Whole Foods then proceeded to de-seed the unripened fruit with his genitals, I’ve never seen such handling of an innocent piece of food in such a disgraceful manner”
The family of a whole foods employee who witnessed the act is seeking reparations from Mr Wolfe after claiming they now suffer from PTSD. Reports claimed the witness is in a psychiatric ward after being found on the floor, with their head in hands whimpering “that’s not how you make guacamole” repeatedly.
When commenting on his crimes Mr. Wolfe simply stated “I was just getting 1 of my 5 a day, I would of gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling vegans.” A Judge sentenced him to 120 hours community service as a Dominos Pizza delivery man and gave him a 50ft restraining order from any green grocers the US. Wolfe also stated “I would never put my dick in an Avocado that’s not organic, I have standards.”
An image below shows the damage Wolfe did to the Avocado. WARNING: image may be considered graphic and distressing.