Deepak Chopra sneezes, detaches retina in third eye

New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.

He told journalists in his usual rambling fashion, ‘I was perforating infinity at an atomic level, I was about to enter the quantum leap, fusing together mechanical physics and meditative chi, when the vibrations became too much, causing me to sneeze extremely aggressively’.

He was advised by friends and family to receive hospital treatment, but he says he is going to use quantum healing instead. Big Karma are yet to clarify whether a fabricated theory can solve a fabricated medical condition, but we will keep you posted.

 

We’ve all heard of Chemtrails, but have you heard of Chootrails?

Chemtrails are a well documented threat that everyone including Obama acknowledges. However, the same dangerous mind-controlling pollutants are being pumped out by the New World Order using other modes of transport far closer to your home.

That’s right – chemtrails also come from everyday steam trains.

The chootrail technology is very expensive, which explains the ludicrously high prices of rail travel in the UK and elsewhere. The Rothschild family are not willing to subsidize the programme, so they pass on the cost to you and me.

One can even make a telling anagram from the phrase ‘The British Rail Timetable’. What do you get? That’s right.. ‘I’m that terrible habit: lies!’ Coincidence I think not.

Look at the image at the top of this article, showing the 7:31 commuter train between Reading and London Paddington. The ‘steam’ rising from the engine is actually far more cloud-like than steam-like. This is because it is a new type of synthetic microbead technology, that is meant to increase global warming, and reduce your IQ.

We asked the UK Secretary of State, The Rt Hon Patrick McLoughlin MP, to comment on the issue. His response was “I don’t give interviews to moronic, stinking hippies.”

 

Is shoving DMT up your anus the new acid?

Proponents of DMT have long argued that the spirit molecule is a superior drug to LSD. However, their claims have failed to catch on with the majority of self-professed psychonauts, because you can’t have a 3 day bender in a field on DMT alone.

That could all be changing though, after a sudden increase in recorded instances of people taking DMT via anal suppository. The UK Bureau of Statistics claims that over 100 people this weekend in Norwich alone were sectioned under the Mental Health Act after sticking DMT, and even peyote cactus, inside their sphincter.

“It lasts way longer, and is much more intense”, said our source, who only wished to be referred to as Dennis the Chemist. Dennis describes himself as a ‘full time rig worker, part time cosmic traveller’.

Does this new fad spell the death of the microdot? This writer isn’t sure, but he certainly wants to try it.

Below – someone who probably did this

Did the Ancient Aztecs listen to psytrance?

New archaeological evidence suggests that psytrance could be the oldest music in existence today, enduring the rise and fall of several major civilizations.

Researchers in the Amazonian valley of To Tal Boloks recently found rock carvings which appear to show ancient Aztec chieftains dancing in front of primitive soundsystems built out of compacted llama feces. The generators were most likely powered by burning large amounts of cocoa leaves, and more llama feces.

Chief Archaeologist Steve Bodger (who happens to mix progressive psy under the name Ten Pound Banger) said the findings were ‘monumental’ and ‘probably the sickest thing I’ve ever dug out the fucking ground’.

‘We didn’t realise how important both llama feces and wobbling rolling basslines were to this ancient culture’, Dr Bodger told Big Karma. ‘In fact, we think the Aztecs primarily went to war with the Mayans because the Mayans preferred quite aggressive jump-up tribal drum and bass.’

He continued by saying, ‘The Aztecs even transcribed some of their beats into the walls of a nearby mountain, and I’m currently importing it into a cracked version of Fruity Loops I picked up in Mexico City. I reckon the beats are so good, I’m finally going to make the first ever cross-over psytrance tune that breaks the mainstream music charts and isn’t a pile of utter shit.’

No Aztecs were available for comment.

Bilderberg Group building 5-star holistic health spa on Planet Nibiru

Big Karma has received a top secret dossier, detailing how the world’s secretive super elite are building an exclusive holiday retreat on Planet X AKA Nibiru.

The $4.7 billion dollar complex, coincidentally located 4.7 billion miles from earth, is only accessible via Richard Branson’s new high-speed space travel programme, ensuring that only the richest and most powerful people on the planet can visit.

 

Here is an artist’s impression of how the resort could look:

All the resorts’ facilities will have disabled-access and reptilian-access, to ensure that all illuminati members can use the swimming pool, steam rooms and casino, including the biggest illuminati ever, Stephen Hawking.

Creating Reptilian access facilities is particularly tricky, as the majority of guests only have stubby little T-Rex arms. This means they cannot open the sliding doors to their penthouse suite balconies, and need very long cutlery when dining in order to reach their plates.

All the beds will be heated, because as everybody knows, reptilians are cold-blooded, and the restaurant will serve a variety of fresh mice and other marsupials which they can swallow whole.

However, don’t worry! Irish budget airline company RyanAir have confirmed they will be running flights to Nibiru from 2019 for the cut-price cost of £29.99 for a return ticket.

3 Ways to Keep Your Dreadlocks Spiritually Awesome

As our friends at DreadHeadHQ say –‘Dreads are awesome but, like a pet (that you wear on your head), you really have to commit cause, like a pet, they need lotsa love and time for maintenance when they are new.’

If you don’t treat your dreadlocks in the right way, you won’t properly harness the chakras and positive energies they can contain, and they won’t look as gnarly and crusty as they should.

So follow our 3 step guide to keeping your dreadlocks spiritually healthy, and it will help you attain a higher state of consciousness:

1. Wash your dreads as infrequently as possible

The key to unlocking your dreadlock energy is to wash them as rarely as possible. Allow for build-ups of sweat, grease and mud. In fact, actively seek to make them as utterly filthy as possible.

A way to fast track this process is to take lots of newly invented hallucinogenics from the 2C family at teknivals, and then roll round in the churned up mud in front of the stack.

2. Shake them around in confined spaces

Whatever crowded event you’re attending such as a super chilled Newton Faulkner gig, a jungle night or an outdoor psytrance extravaganza, make sure to shake your dreadlocks around a lot.

Not only will the motion of throwing those locks around improve your spiritual balance, it will also improve the well-being of others in close proximity to you. Bonus points if you manage to land one of your natty lengths in someone else’s mouth.

3. Wear them inside a Jamaican Rastafarian hat

It looks cool, and most importantly, its a proper spiritual thing to do. Don’t trust anyone who wears dreadlocks without one of these, they probably listen to Korn.

It doesn’t matter if you’re white, middle class and have a double-barreled name. Put one of these bad-boys on top of your knots and you’re the real deal. If you can’t find one, an Indian head-dress will do.

If someone accuses you of cultural appropriation, tell them we’re all children of planet earth, and to check their privilege.