David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe hospitalised after choking on an avocado

Rockstar of superfoods and superhero to the planet David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe has has been hospitalized after choking on an avocado. He is said to be recovering and in a stable condition after the spiritual community banded together to send positive vibes his way.

Wolfe, who was performing tantric breathing exercises whilst quaffing his 19th avacado of the day unexpectedly inhaled the avocado. He immediately made a camomile tea with added turmeric but this usual full proof cure for everything from cancer to athlete’s foot failed to work on this occasion.

Some are rushing to declare this a karmic event, to punish him for eponymously naming himself after a fruit, and for years of spouting “nebulous bollocky drivel” around the mystical qualities of dark organic chocolate and water alchemy. However we at Big Karma totally disagree with this statement and believe in anything and everything he says.

Despite rejecting modern medicine, it is reported that neither Wolfe nor his family took issue with him being rushed straight the closest major hospital facility. It is here where he received a number of modern artificial medicines, all of which ultimately saved his life.

Our thoughts, prayers and good vibes are with the av-cav at this difficult time.

 

Vegan Council declares new £5 ‘fair game if used for snorting mind-altering substances’

The Vegan Council of Great Britain has today issued a statement, declaring the new £5 note ‘kosha‘, but only when used to snort a pre-approved list of synthetic drugs.

One of the drugs on the ‘whitelist’ is poor quality imported cocaine. This is despite the fact that the production of cocaine kills tens of thousands of people, millions of animals, and also causes extreme environmental damage.

It has been declared a pragmatic and necessary evil, for a number of reasons:

  • Most vegans are too poor to have a note in a higher denomination than £5 after buying a gram.
  • It is seen as imperative in order to carry on the sesh and expand consciousness
  • In the case of the 2c family, consumption is keeping the psytrance scene alive.

Another substance to make the cut is ketamine, even though human usage deprives addicted horses of a much needed fix.

Big Karma is absolutely against this decision, and would like to reaffirm their belief that such drugs should only be snorted through a rolled up leaf, ripped up scratchcard or shitty club flyer.

Below, a sad horse crying due to a lack of readily available wonk. For just £5 a month, you can sponsor a horse’s ketamine supply.  Contact Big Karma to find out more.

Image result for sad horse

 

 

 

 

Hippie spends 6 months and £6,000 travelling the world to find himself; discovers he’s a complete cunt.

A young hippy from South Gloucestershire says he has been left ‘devastated’ after realising he’s a boring, cliche cunt, following an expensive round-the-world trip through countries such as Goa, Mongolia, Peru and Burma.

19 year old Jonty Cockburn told Big Karma the stark understanding hit him whilst he was sat round a drum circle at an organic chickpea farm in New Zealand’s northern island.

The trigger was a sudden awareness that he was in the company of 8 other near-identical looking white, dreadlocked, poncho-wearing, bucket-hat sporting, fire-poi spinning, terribly tattooed idiots.

Cockburn, whose Facebook profile lists his interests as ‘legalisation, hacky-sack [and]… psytrance’, says he is planning to cut his dreadlocks off, throw away his propagator and burn his embarrassing collection of tye-dye t-shirts.

‘I thought I was an individual snowflake, but then I realised that actually, all snow looks the same to the human eye.

I don’t want to sit around anymore talking about how we’re going to change the world with a revolution, only to then consume an entire bag of Cool Original Doritos, watch re-runs of Blackadder, and then fall asleep.

I want to actually do something worthwhile with my life instead.’

Deep stuff, thanks Jonty.

10 REASONS YOU SHOULDN’T GIVE YOUR CHILD VACCINATIONS

 

  1. Gateway to using needle based drugs such as Heroin
  2. Proven to make your child become incredibly right-wing when older
  3. Your child is more likely to follow mainstream media as opposed to reliable sources such as Big-Karma and Spirit Science.
  4. Hitler was vaccinated
  5. Buddha was not
  6. As well as Mercury, Vaccinations contains traces of uranium and cryptonite
  7. Vaccinations are making huge profits for evil big pharma companies
  8. Most diseases can be cured by Avacados and Camomile Tea
  9. Despite all the scientific evidence proving vaccines work, it is all false and every scientist is part of a secret conspiracy
  10. Vaccines make you fat