Big Karma has received a top secret dossier, detailing how the world’s secretive super elite are building an exclusive holiday retreat on Planet X AKA Nibiru.
The $4.7 billion dollar complex, coincidentally located 4.7 billion miles from earth, is only accessible via Richard Branson’s new high-speed space travel programme, ensuring that only the richest and most powerful people on the planet can visit.
Here is an artist’s impression of how the resort could look:
All the resorts’ facilities will have disabled-access and reptilian-access, to ensure that all illuminati members can use the swimming pool, steam rooms and casino, including the biggest illuminati ever, Stephen Hawking.
Creating Reptilian access facilities is particularly tricky, as the majority of guests only have stubby little T-Rex arms. This means they cannot open the sliding doors to their penthouse suite balconies, and need very long cutlery when dining in order to reach their plates.
All the beds will be heated, because as everybody knows, reptilians are cold-blooded, and the restaurant will serve a variety of fresh mice and other marsupials which they can swallow whole.
However, don’t worry! Irish budget airline company RyanAir have confirmed they will be running flights to Nibiru from 2019 for the cut-price cost of £29.99 for a return ticket.
As our friends at DreadHeadHQ say –‘Dreads are awesome but, like a pet (that you wear on your head), you really have to commit cause, like a pet, they need lotsa love and time for maintenance when they are new.’
If you don’t treat your dreadlocks in the right way, you won’t properly harness the chakras and positive energies they can contain, and they won’t look as gnarly and crusty as they should.
So follow our 3 step guide to keeping your dreadlocks spiritually healthy, and it will help you attain a higher state of consciousness:
1. Wash your dreads as infrequently as possible
The key to unlocking your dreadlock energy is to wash them as rarely as possible. Allow for build-ups of sweat, grease and mud. In fact, actively seek to make them as utterly filthy as possible.
A way to fast track this process is to take lots of newly invented hallucinogenics from the 2C family at teknivals, and then roll round in the churned up mud in front of the stack.
2. Shake them around in confined spaces
Whatever crowded event you’re attending such as a super chilled Newton Faulkner gig, a jungle night or an outdoor psytrance extravaganza, make sure to shake your dreadlocks around a lot.
Not only will the motion of throwing those locks around improve your spiritual balance, it will also improve the well-being of others in close proximity to you. Bonus points if you manage to land one of your natty lengths in someone else’s mouth.
3. Wear them inside a Jamaican Rastafarian hat
It looks cool, and most importantly, its a proper spiritual thing to do. Don’t trust anyone who wears dreadlocks without one of these, they probably listen to Korn.
It doesn’t matter if you’re white, middle class and have a double-barreled name. Put one of these bad-boys on top of your knots and you’re the real deal. If you can’t find one, an Indian head-dress will do.
If someone accuses you of cultural appropriation, tell them we’re all children of planet earth, and to check their privilege.
Depending on what month of the year you were born, you have a different spirit animal. The Mayans realised this when communicating with the dead.
This knowledge was forgotten for thousands of years until hippies from the Home Counties rediscovered it.
Big Karma can exclusively report the results of a new scientific study, which shows that sharing internet memes of questionable origin directly influences human behaviour in a substantial way.
The study, undertaken by The University of Crédule in France, involved 50 volunteers being exposed to a number of internet memes, covering issues such as GMOs, corrupt governments, spirituality and chemtrails. The volunteers were asked to detail their views on the issues, before and after meme exposure.
Dr.Latwowierny, the lead scientist, told us:
‘We initially hypothesised there could be no substantial change in people’s behaviour and views on radical issues, as a result of stumbling across internet memes shared on social media.
We previously thought meme sharers were mostly lazy, misinformed individuals who like to come across as edgy and politically astute, without providing any concrete evidence for their arguments and beliefs.
It turns out we were wrong. On behalf of the entire scientific community, we would like to apologise to everyone who has ever shared a controversial, politically challenging meme.
We deliberately chose subjects who are could generally be regarded as ‘skeptical’. You know, the type of people who base their views around solid evidence, sound reasoning, and reliable sources. Some were even other scientists! These people are less likely to instantly believe whatever they are told on the internet, and typically achieve positive scores on the Stroud Sheeple Scale.
The results concluded that 41 out of 50 subjects described feelings of ‘new understanding’ and ‘cosmic truth’, after scrolling through a newsfeed belonging to a page called ‘The Mind Unleashed.’ The key qualities of a good meme were found to be those with quick, sarcastic, unsubstantiated catch-phrases. Memes performed poorly if they cited or directed users to a source.
We interviewed one experiment participant named Jaques, who told us;
“I’m a professional Meteorologist, so I’m a big fan of the weather, especially clouds. They’re my fave! I often had conversations in the past with people who believed in chemtrails. As I’ve spent the last decade at work being exposed to extensive evidence disproving their existence, I used to think it was a load of old bollocks.
It wasn’t until a guy from Bedfordshire, with a profile picture of himself doing fire poi, changed my mind. I added him on Facebook after camping next to him last year at Boomtown Festival. He posted a meme about chemtrails. Only then did I finally realise that they are real, and are definitely something to be concerned about.
The meme had grainy picture of some kind of plane, what type is not really important. The plane had white trails coming out the back of it. The text underneath, in a hard-hitting, truthful font, said ‘These are normal contrails, shut up and watch TV!’
How stupid I was to blindly follow what I was told by experts and scientists, who possess depth of understanding regarding aviation, cloud formation and weather patterns! It’s made me want to take action, so next time I’m at a house party I’m going to raise awareness of the issue by ranting about it at 5am to a couple of people too chonged to reply with anything but a grunt. That way you get more talking time, and people can’t interrupt with distractions like common sense or interesting, light-hearted conversation.”
Despite tea’s popular appeal among the more enlightened sections of society, tea plants actually absorb high levels of fluoride from the soil, and should be avoided at all costs.
Mature brewed black tea averages about 3 to 4 parts ppm fluoride. Numerous studies have linked excessive tea consumption to a bone disease (skeletal fluorosis) caused by too much fluoride intake. However, what is less documented due to government cover-up, is that fluoride also controls the mind.
Many have long considered fluoride’s presence in tea to be a naturally occurring process.This not true. Fluoride has never been known to occur naturally in liquid form on Earth. It is artificially placed into commercial tea brands by the Illuminati, designed to target tea’s primary demographic: left wing radical free thinkers.
As the illuminati always do, they have left subtle clues for no apparent reason; Why they risk exposing their secret order utterly needlessly like this is unknown.
In this instance, the teabags they produce are triangular, like the Roc pyramid.
Exhibit A: Shocking comparison can be seen between the PG tips pyramid tea bags and the Illuminati Roc Pyramid symbol.
But there is also another reason why PG Tips’ teabags triangular. While a circular teabag is more economical to produce, as it uses less material, the company has a more sinister reason for the shape. According to the company website, a triangular design “…means that water can move through the leaves more efficiently”. which will obviously increase the fluoride content in your cup of tea.
Digby “Diggo” Hunton-Blather, Chief Editor at Big Karma says;
“As a hippie, my identity is very tied up in talking about, drinking and making tea. I call my friends “brew” instead of “bro”, get it? I can’t do that anymore. I’m devastated.
I don’t drink water these days either because it has trace amounts of fluoride, put there by the government. In fact, almost all foods on earth have fluoride in them as a result of the New World Order, so I’m really struggling to find anything to nourish myself with.
Fluoride is so prevalent in the world, that sometimes it seems too ridiculous to think that there is a conspiracy big enough or capable enough to contaminate everything out there. But then I tell myself to stop being so stupid, and I go watch David Icke videos.”
Big Karma has received a exclusive report of how a private, peaceful free party was sprayed with an unusually high concentration of chemtrails on the weekend.
The party took place on an organic beetroot farm in Devon near Plymouth airport, on the 21st of February, 2014. A source, who only wished to be referred to as Dennis the Chemist, to protect his identity, has given an exclusive interview.
Dennis claims that revelers were the victims of an extremely heavy, and highly toxic dose of mind-controlling chemical spray from a number of planes passing overhead. Depressants contained within chemtrail spray are designed to dull the senses, and make it easier to suppress and control the population.
“A load of planes came flying over the free party, when we were setting up our soundsystem. it was a link-up between BogStandardSoundz and our mates Repetitive Nonsense Audio. The planes kept flying all during the night and the next morning! It was really weird. I’ve never seen so many planes.
All us ravers just can’t remember almost anything from the whole night – especially between about 1am and 6am. It’s just a really hazy blur. Our mate Big Tim was just a dribbling wreck after one of the planes went over the rave at about 4.30 in the morning.
We actually think he may have been the chief target for the Illuminati because he put up a lot of posters around St. Ives last week, warning of the dangers of drinking of fluoride and watching Bargain Hunt on PickTV.
For about 2 days after the party, everyone who went felt extremely depressed, tired, physically ill and unmotivated to do anything. It lasted all of Sunday and Monday. My penis wouldn’t work very well either. I’m pretty sure the chemtrails make you impotent, because the Bilderberg Group want to cull the world population.
The organic vegetables at the farm taste like shit now as well. However, I did some juggling in my big baggy pants and went to a vegan sit-in on Tuesday and now I feel a lot better. Stay safe everyone! ”