Category Archives: Editors’ Comments

David Wolfe Found Guilty of Molesting an Unripe Avacado

Alternative lifestyle guru David Wolfe has taken his love for super-foods too far after a court hearing has today found him guilty of molesting an unripe Avocado.

The court heard evidence from several witnesses. One claiming “Mr Wolfe entered a Whole Foods then proceeded to de-seed the unripened fruit with his genitals, I’ve never seen such handling of an innocent piece of food in such a disgraceful manner”

The family of a whole foods employee who witnessed the act is seeking reparations from Mr Wolfe after claiming they now suffer from PTSD. Reports claimed the witness is in a psychiatric ward after being found on the floor, with their head in hands whimpering “that’s not how you make guacamole” repeatedly.

When commenting on his crimes Mr. Wolfe simply stated “I was just getting 1 of my 5 a day, I would of gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling vegans.” A Judge sentenced him to 120 hours community service as a Dominos Pizza delivery man and gave him a 50ft restraining order from any green grocers the US. Wolfe also stated “I would never put my dick in an Avocado that’s not organic, I have standards.”

An image below shows the damage Wolfe did to the Avocado. WARNING: image may be considered graphic and distressing.

Image result for guacamole pot

University student has resolution to Palestine conflict; leaders and activists rejoice.

A first year drama student at the University of Bristol last night offered up a clear path to peace in the Middle East, which has led to mass celebrations through the world.

The UK’s President-elect Jeremy Corbyn was the first to offer his praise to Nathaniel Tompkins, hailing the 18 year old from Billingshurst, Sussex as ‘an unparalleled visionary of the modern era’.

Other world leaders and radical free-thinkers such as Vladimir Putin, Russell Brand and President of the Nation of Goa Laxmikant Parsekar were also quick to lavish praise upon his plan.

Tompkins says his roadmap to peace is based on a theory of ‘higher consciousness and reciprocated love… [and] pretty fucking simple when you think about it’.

Key tenants of the philosophy center around the immediate ceasing of hostilities by absolutely everyone, generally less nastiness, regular tantric exercises and perhaps some LSD micro-dosing.

When asked to expand on the theory by other members of the party later in the night, close associated stated he was unable to comment further as he’d consumed  ‘a large and particularly wonky line of ketamine.’

David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe hospitalised after choking on an avocado

Rockstar of superfoods and superhero to the planet David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe has has been hospitalized after choking on an avocado. He is said to be recovering and in a stable condition after the spiritual community banded together to send positive vibes his way.

Wolfe, who was performing tantric breathing exercises whilst quaffing his 19th avacado of the day unexpectedly inhaled the avocado. He immediately made a camomile tea with added turmeric but this usual full proof cure for everything from cancer to athlete’s foot failed to work on this occasion.

Some are rushing to declare this a karmic event, to punish him for eponymously naming himself after a fruit, and for years of spouting “nebulous bollocky drivel” around the mystical qualities of dark organic chocolate and water alchemy. However we at Big Karma totally disagree with this statement and believe in anything and everything he says.

Despite rejecting modern medicine, it is reported that neither Wolfe nor his family took issue with him being rushed straight the closest major hospital facility. It is here where he received a number of modern artificial medicines, all of which ultimately saved his life.

Our thoughts, prayers and good vibes are with the av-cav at this difficult time.

 

Vegan Council declares new £5 'fair game if used for snorting mind-altering substances'

The Vegan Council of Great Britain has today issued a statement, declaring the new £5 note ‘kosha‘, but only when used to snort a pre-approved list of synthetic drugs.

One of the drugs on the ‘whitelist’ is poor quality imported cocaine. This is despite the fact that the production of cocaine kills tens of thousands of people, millions of animals, and also causes extreme environmental damage.

It has been declared a pragmatic and necessary evil, for a number of reasons:

  • Most vegans are too poor to have a note in a higher denomination than £5 after buying a gram.
  • It is seen as imperative in order to carry on the sesh and expand consciousness
  • In the case of the 2c family, consumption is keeping the psytrance scene alive.

Another substance to make the cut is ketamine, even though human usage deprives addicted horses of a much needed fix.

Big Karma is absolutely against this decision, and would like to reaffirm their belief that such drugs should only be snorted through a rolled up leaf, ripped up scratchcard or shitty club flyer.

Below, a sad horse crying due to a lack of readily available wonk. For just £5 a month, you can sponsor a horse’s ketamine supply.  Contact Big Karma to find out more.

Image result for sad horse

 

 

 

 

Hippie spends 6 months and £6,000 travelling the world to find himself; discovers he's a complete cunt.

A young hippy from South Gloucestershire says he has been left ‘devastated’ after realising he’s a boring, cliche cunt, following an expensive round-the-world trip through countries such as Goa, Mongolia, Peru and Burma.

19 year old Jonty Cockburn told Big Karma the stark understanding hit him whilst he was sat round a drum circle at an organic chickpea farm in New Zealand’s northern island.

The trigger was a sudden awareness that he was in the company of 8 other near-identical looking white, dreadlocked, poncho-wearing, bucket-hat sporting, fire-poi spinning, terribly tattooed idiots.

Cockburn, whose Facebook profile lists his interests as ‘legalisation, hacky-sack [and]… psytrance’, says he is planning to cut his dreadlocks off, throw away his propagator and burn his embarrassing collection of tye-dye t-shirts.

‘I thought I was an individual snowflake, but then I realised that actually, all snow looks the same to the human eye.

I don’t want to sit around anymore talking about how we’re going to change the world with a revolution, only to then consume an entire bag of Cool Original Doritos, watch re-runs of Blackadder, and then fall asleep.

I want to actually do something worthwhile with my life instead.’

Deep stuff, thanks Jonty.

10 REASONS YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE YOUR CHILD VACCINATIONS

 

  1. Gateway to using needle based drugs such as Heroin
  2. Proven to make your child become incredibly right-wing when older
  3. Your child is more likely to follow mainstream media as opposed to reliable sources such as Big-Karma and Spirit Science.
  4. Hitler was vaccinated
  5. Buddha was not
  6. As well as Mercury, Vaccinations contains traces of uranium and cryptonite
  7. Vaccinations are making huge profits for evil big pharma companies
  8. Most diseases can be cured by Avacados and Camomile Tea
  9. Despite all the scientific evidence proving vaccines work, it is all false and every scientist is part of a secret conspiracy
  10. Vaccines make you fat

 

 

Deepak Chopra sneezes, detaches retina in third eye

New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.

He told journalists in his usual rambling fashion, ‘I was perforating infinity at an atomic level, I was about to enter the quantum leap, fusing together mechanical physics and meditative chi, when the vibrations became too much, causing me to sneeze extremely aggressively’.

He was advised by friends and family to receive hospital treatment, but he says he is going to use quantum healing instead. Big Karma are yet to clarify whether a fabricated theory can solve a fabricated medical condition, but we will keep you posted.

 

We’ve all heard of Chemtrails, but have you heard of Chootrails?

Chemtrails are a well documented threat that everyone including Obama acknowledges. However, the same dangerous mind-controlling pollutants are being pumped out by the New World Order using other modes of transport far closer to your home.

That’s right – chemtrails also come from everyday steam trains.

The chootrail technology is very expensive, which explains the ludicrously high prices of rail travel in the UK and elsewhere. The Rothschild family are not willing to subsidize the programme, so they pass on the cost to you and me.

One can even make a telling anagram from the phrase ‘The British Rail Timetable’. What do you get? That’s right.. ‘I’m that terrible habit: lies!’ Coincidence I think not.

Look at the image at the top of this article, showing the 7:31 commuter train between Reading and London Paddington. The ‘steam’ rising from the engine is actually far more cloud-like than steam-like. This is because it is a new type of synthetic microbead technology, that is meant to increase global warming, and reduce your IQ.

We asked the UK Secretary of State, The Rt Hon Patrick McLoughlin MP, to comment on the issue. His response was “I don’t give interviews to moronic, stinking hippies.”

 

Is shoving DMT up your anus the new acid?

Proponents of DMT have long argued that the spirit molecule is a superior drug to LSD. However, their claims have failed to catch on with the majority of self-professed psychonauts, because you can’t have a 3 day bender in a field on DMT alone.

That could all be changing though, after a sudden increase in recorded instances of people taking DMT via anal suppository. The UK Bureau of Statistics claims that over 100 people this weekend in Norwich alone were sectioned under the Mental Health Act after sticking DMT, and even peyote cactus, inside their sphincter.

“It lasts way longer, and is much more intense”, said our source, who only wished to be referred to as Dennis the Chemist. Dennis describes himself as a ‘full time rig worker, part time cosmic traveller’.

Does this new fad spell the death of the microdot? This writer isn’t sure, but he certainly wants to try it.

Below – someone who probably did this